Saturday, November 24, 2007

The Resentment Account

How things build up over time and eventually boil over.

I tend to be goal-oriented. Instead of endlessly discussing a problem, how it happened, whose fault it is, on and on, I prefer to just fix the problem and get on with my life. This explains why I have become reluctant to “discuss things” as I got older — if we talk about something Mrs. Fetched did that I don’t like, then she turns around and does it again, I give up trying to talk about it after two or three cycles because talking hasn’t solved the problem.

Problems that don’t get solved often end up in what one could call the ”Resentment Account.” Think of it like a credit card with some weird rules.
  • Many resentments have a negative interest rate; if they stop happening, the emotional energy dissipates on its own (kind of like service charges, only these charges do some good). Low-level power games like the Toilet Seat Game are a good example of these.

  • Some resentments compound one another. Things that create a pattern build on each other, which is why I might have a totally disproportionate reaction (analogous to a declined purchase on a real credit card) to something that wouldn’t otherwise be a big deal.

Like a real credit card has lots of places it can be used, there are a lot of ways to deposit something in the Resentment Account — and like most of us have limited sources of income, there aren’t all that many ways to pay down the balance. There’s also a credit limit that can be described as “I’ve had all the crap I can take.” Overdrawing the account can result in outbursts leading to screaming matches or my simply leaving for some indeterminate amount of time.

I leave it to the reader to determine why I’m posting something tonight that I’ve had kicking around for a couple of years.

37 comments:

  1. Gosh FAR, I'm sorry. It sounds like a rough day. I hope that getting away for a few hours will make a difference for the better.

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  2. Sorry from me, too, Far, sounds like a hellish time on a personal level. Fwiw, I can totally relate. Hope things get better soonest.

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  3. Hello ladies! (not quite "ladiesh" in meatspace but…)

    I came home around 11:30pm, started WebMage while out & about, and am enjoying the absolute HELL out of it. Now that I've had a couple of generous helpings of Trader Vic's spiced rum, it's twice as much fun.

    Part of the drinking, admittedly, is to ease the guilt of burning 150+ miles worth of gas. Part is to simply numb the guy. Part is… well, because it's there.

    Hugs for both of you — thanks for caring. Maybe we can yak about it through email/chat sometime?

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  4. Hi FAR.

    Sorry things aren't going well. Hopefully as with everything, it's just a dip in the road you can leave behind you. Hope you're feeling better today.

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  5. Hey, who you callin' "lady"? ::checks pants:: Oh, right. ;p

    Glad to know you're feeling better, sometimes that's exactly what chemicals are good for. My email address is listed at my blog page if you ever want to drop a line about whatever, feel free.

    Kelly's such a clever and creative writer, I really enjoy his work as well. Also, I don't know if you check your older threads so I'm not sure if you saw it already, but I left a comment with some thoughts on the most recent FAR Future thread, if you're interested.

    Hope today is better than yesterday!

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  6. Ditto Jen - hope today is better than yesterday. Sorry about the account, but I think burning gas and rum are fine ways to deal with it.

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  7. I'd like to cancel my account. I've already starting running up my next card.

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  8. Hi FAR, as I said at Nancy's place I'm glad you're home safe & also glad that you're enjoying Kelly's book.

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  9. Hey all!

    Better today, I think. Well, I am. Mrs. Fetched said it came as a surprise to her that I was having issues. Eh. Give it a day or two & see how it goes.

    LOL Jen! I'll take you up on that email offer sooner or later. I saw your nice comment & responded.

    I think I'm going to read WebMage again, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. I was reading a fast-paced novel at a fast pace, in less than ideal conditions.

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  10. That mind-reading thing again. Sometimes what we think is crystal clear is murky to others. Lesson learned for next time?

    I loved Kelly's books, and can't wait for the next one, even tho I'm not a fantasy fan. Or a cyberfantasy fan.

    Hope you sleep well tonight and have a a better day tomorrow. I sound like a frog. But there's basketball AND football on, so I'm in heaven.

    'Night far!

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  11. Hi FAR, I'm plaining a re-read too.

    I guess it's good that Mrs. Fetched is listening a little more closely. I hope that something comes of it.

    On another note, I'm looking into Assisted Living options And/Or Adult Daycare for my Mother In Law.

    Does anyone have advise? Remembering that I'm a daughter-in-law and a bit of an outsider as far as the family decision-making goes.

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  12. Boy, kb, what kind of advice are you looking for? My mom spent 2.5 years in a nursing home after her first stroke. And my aunt just went into one because her dementia has gotten bad enough, she's no longer safe in the real world. My cousins hated putting here there, but all are so much happier, my aunt included. She has people around to talk to, isn't being told "don't do that, don't go there." Has games to play and doesn't feel like someone's looking over her shoulder all the time. My cousins are thrilled with the outcome, after dreading it for months.

    It can be a toughie, but sometimes someone removed has a better perspective...if the family will listen. Good luck.

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  13. {{Beth}} Thank you for sharing your experience.

    My mil is living sort of on her own -- she's in the other side of our duplex and mister spends most of his days taking care of her.

    But, she's VERY outgoing and doesn't get enough social interaction just visiting with him and our kids. When I say she's very outgoing, I mean that if she's alone, even for a moment, she's lonely. So she starts calling people at about 6am most mornings.

    So I thought I should start finding out what the options are.

    I started thinking about Assisted Living facilities, but then stumbled into this Adult Daycare idea. And I think that might be a good start.

    But, I don't know how to research any of this.

    I guess this is a long-winded request for guidance on how to research this stuff (for dummies).

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  14. My cousins had my aunt in adult day-care for a year or two, and it was great. But again, she had dementia - I don't know how it would work for normal, lonely people.

    My first suggestion would be the State Social Services - they usually have an elderly division, and would be able to give you advice on what's available, and suitable. Maybe a local senior center might have resources. Social workers often do, as well. Look in the phone book for adult daycares and go talk to the folks who run one - but it'd be nice to find out which are the better ones, if there's more than one, and that's where Senior Services could help. They're usually happy to give information.

    Asking questions is the first best step. It sounds like she sure could use something to do. It's great that you're willing to help!

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  15. Luckily, I get email notices. Because I've STARRED your last comment. That's exactly the sort of list I needed to get going.

    THANK YOU! Very, Very much.

    On another note, I spent part of my afternoon looking for my copy of the 2nd Outlander book. And Failed. I think I partly started this project as a distraction.

    One thing, you said that Black Jack isn't in ALL the Outlander books. But, they seem to think he's dead. I guess that means he's not? (I love spoilers)

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  16. You're welcome! Once a social worker, always a social worker.

    Oh no, I'm not telling. :-) You'll just have to keep reading...glad you're enjoying it!

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  17. Huh? You don't actually think you can leave it at that? Do you?

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  18. (chewing her nails and looking around nervously)

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  19. Ah, Beth -- I was just kidding! I swear!

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  20. Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll be sure to check my coffee very carefully when I see you in April!! :-)

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  21. (shifty-eyed)

    Ah, well. As long as you're still coming....

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  22. Oh yeah. You can't scare me off that easily! Besides, Nancy will be there to protect me. :-)

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  23. (giggling)

    You haven't actually MET Nancy, have you?

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  24. (throwing up her hands in defeat)

    Black Jack shows up in at least one more book. I don't remember which book it is, but there are awful torture scenes with him. But he eventually gets his due, although it surprised me how.

    THERE. HAPPY?

    :-)

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  25. Actually, yes. You see I can't STAND the scenes with him. And if he's a regular visitor, I'd have to start skipping huge pieces of the books.

    As it is (especially knowing he gets his due) it's OK.

    REALLY. Thank you. And I was just kidding about Nancy. She's great.

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  26. I know what you mean - he still gives me the creeps. You have a lot more to go through before you get rid of him, and I promise you'll hate him more. Gabaldon writes a great villian.

    He's not a regular, but he does keep popping up for a bit. But not forever.

    I still don't really like the way she gets rid of him, though, as a writer. I need to read it again and see if I missed something.

    I'm sure Nancy is great. But I couldn't face having to keep my eyes on BOTH of you!

    :-)

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  27. Evil cackle from Nancy.

    Far? Been there, maxed out. I understand and I sympathize, and I'm really glad there's relative (pun intended) peace in the Manor again.

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  28. Hey dude, there's a rumor running around that it's your birthday, and if it be true, then HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope life has a fantabulous year in store for you.

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  29. It's true! It's true! Hippo Birdie Far!

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  30. Wow, I went to bed & ka-boom! Party time! That'll teach me to try to catch up on sleep… I went down at 10, woke up at 4:30 & laid there until the phone started ringing at 7 (like it usually does on weekdays). THEN I went back to sleep for another hour. Only an hour late for work, nothing much happening anyway after the st00p1d Monday meeting.

    Thanks for the b-day wishes, and especially to Beth for the copy of Ghost's book! I was thinking I'd have to order that one too.

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  31. Yeah, kb and I felt bad about taking over your blog - but since no one else seemed to be around, we just babbled!

    You're welcome - hope you enjoy it. Just wanted to share the joy.

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  32. Guilty, Guilty & Guiltier (Still, it WAS fun).

    I hope your birthday is a WHOLE lot better than your Saturday!

    xxoo
    kb

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Comments are welcome, and they don't have to be complimentary. I delete spam on sight, but that's pretty much it for moderation. Long off-topic rants or unconstructive flamage are also candidates for deletion but I haven’t seen any of that so far.

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