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Friday, November 09, 2012

The Voting Dead (#FridayFlash)

I thought we could all use a little non-partisan laugh after the long cat fight…



It started in Chicago, of course, but not for the reason you’d assume. Rick Carbone was a long-shot candidate for the City Council. He owned a meat-processing plant, and zombies often bought the offal he would have had to pay to dispose of. To drum up business among the zombies, more than actually trying to win the election, he ran on a platform of extending rights and protections to the undead.

To everyone’s surprise, including Carbone’s, disenfranchised zombies banded together to support his candidacy. Vocal opponents had a way of changing their minds, and he won handily. A man who was raised to keep his promises, his first act was to introduce a law that de-legitimized hitting zombies with vehicles, a pastime often called “bowling.” After two crucial opponents on the City Council suddenly joined the walking dead, the anti-bowling measure passed.

Carbone, of course, had a brief but stellar political career, moving up to serve four terms in Congress. During that time, he spearheaded a successful movement to extend nationwide voting rights to the burgeoning zombie population. But as much as the political climate has changed, getting caught in bed with two dead women (even if they’re only undead) always spells the end of one’s political career. Still, Carbone’s legacy lives on, as America’s number one priority is now education. After all, the largest voting bloc’s single issue is “more braaaaaaains.”

21 comments:

  1. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! So funny, Larry! "getting caught in bed with two dead women (even if they’re only undead) always spells the end of one’s political career" - Hilarious! Laughing out loud over my morning coffee, here.

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  2. This was fun, Larry. I just WISH there'd be a call for more brains in our politics!

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  3. HAHAHAHA...I may need a new keyboard!Coffee went everywhere a few times. Doesn't hurt I'm a Zombie buff...Kind of funny though as I was doing a zombie story as well, albeit darker.I hope it turns out OK,its kind of an experiment(speaking of which, I've got to edit it a bit).Take care and give my love Larry.

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  4. Of freaking course it started in Chicago! (The dead already do vote there.)

    Love it Lar!

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  5. A victory for civil rights! And some refreshingly funny undead stuff, too.

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  6. Oh, thanks for the giggles Larry, especially love the bit when he is caught in bed with the two... err... ladies. :-D

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  7. Very nice! As much as I enjoy bowling, I kinda like my brains, so would not have stood up against the law's introduction!

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  8. Thanks, Cathy! I was hoping to get a few laughs with this one. I had to suppress a few chuckles myself as I typed it out in a deli.

    Tony, you and me both!

    Glad you enjoyed it, EJ! Looking forward to reading yours. Zombie fic is popular #FridayFlash fodder.

    Angela, they're only pretending to be dead. Walking out of the polls going "grauuuunh" is the best way to keep exit pollsters away.

    JohnW, you know how much I like to "do it different" when it comes to zombies. ;-)

    Steve, I was riffing on an old quote from a Georgia politician. He had a huge lead, and a reporter asked him if he thought there was any way he could lose. His answer: "Only if I'm caught in bed with a dead woman or a live boy."

    Thanks, Patricia!

    Jack, I'm sure the local zombies appreciate your respect for the law. Just make sure there's nothing under your car before you approach it...

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  9. LOL The funniest thing I've read all week.

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  10. Giving new meaning to big tent politics. Well done, and timely, Larry.

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  11. If it was me I would get into the perfume industry. Would make a killing ;).

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  12. Al Capone will be spluttering in Hell with what happened to his beloved Chicago in this one! Nice work


    Marc Nash

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  13. Bwahahah oh my, such a good laugh with this piece Larry! I always knew Chicago would be the beginning of it..

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  14. Like the zombies say, we like you for your brains. Nice one.

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  15. "Bowling"! Brilliant! It's that sort of realistic detail that makes stories appealing to me.

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  16. Thanks, Sonia, Boran, and Helen! I was hoping to get a few laughs.

    Craig, maybe something that makes you smell "dead" would keep the zombies from trying to recruit you?

    Marc, I think ol' Scarface might be going "why didn't I think of that?"

    Cindy, it had to start somewhere, and there was a delicious irony in making it Chicago.

    Thanks, Tim!

    Glad you liked that, Li — I imagine SUVs with beefed-up front ends plowing into knots of zombies…

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  17. Okay, I thought off and on all weekend about coming up with a witty comment for this, but I've got nothin'.

    In all earnestness, it was wickedly funny. Up Zombie Rights!

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  18. Hahaha this was really funny! Love it.

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  19. Katherine, no problem! I'm just glad you enjoyed it.

    Thanks, Icy!

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Comments are welcome, and they don't have to be complimentary. I delete spam on sight, but that's pretty much it for moderation. Long off-topic rants or unconstructive flamage are also candidates for deletion but I haven’t seen any of that so far.

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