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Friday, May 31, 2013

Chomp! (#FridayFlash)

I don’t know if Mason dreamed it, or just made up a story, but I thought I’d embellish it a little for this week’s #FridayFlash. Yup, I co-authored a story with a three year old. I’ve included the original at the end.

Image source: openclipart.org
“Holy crap.” Lee stopped and stared at the enormous anthill. “That thing’s as tall as me!” He hefted his little bag of fire ant poison, and looked at it and back at the anthill. “Yeah. I’m gonna need more.”

Two hours later, he returned, pulling a wheelbarrow laden with bags of Ant-I-Ant and more safety equipment than he usually needed for one of these jobs. The clearing was deathly quiet. The gnats that followed him through the woods seemed content to be left behind. Lee gave the area a nervous look, then towed his load forward.

He wasted no time, donning his jacket, gloves, and mask. Tearing open four bags, Lee threw the contents across the near side of the anthill, then scuttled back to avoid the dust. When that settled, he’d take the wheelbarrow around the other side—

The loose dirt on the anthill squirmed and shifted, and the ants burst out.

“Oh fffffffff—”

Each ant was 20cm long, easy. Lee gaped, and walked backwards, unable to tear his eyes away—

Something started up his leg. Lee screamed, jumped, and batted at the ant on his calf. It caught his wrist and clamped on. His jacket protected him from the worst of it, but it still hurt!

“Why you son of a!” Lee bellowed. Before he realized what he was doing, he brought his arm up and bit into the ant’s abdomen, crunching through the shell. His mouth filled with the sour taste of ant juice, then it blew a high-pitched warbling fart, squirting alarm pheromones, as it let go. Other ants poured out of the mound, coming to help their comrade.

Lee flung the huge ant across the clearing; the other ants veered away to follow the flying pheromones. He caught a glimpse of more ants piling onto his wheelbarrow as he ran for it.

Spitting and gagging, Lee ditched his reeking jacket and kept running. This wasn’t over. He had a job to do. But he needed some special equipment. Maybe napalm.

And a video camera. Nobody was gonna believe this shit without video. Nobody.

And here’s the original story, as told by a 3-½ year old Mason:

I saw this anthill, and it was huge! Holds hand out at head level So I dumped poison all over it, and the ants came out. One of them bit me, and I bit it back!


  1. Nice. I'd be afraid of how the ant juice around the guy's mouth might make him smell to the other ants, though...

  2. Morning Larry,

    The only difference between Mason's and your story is that Mason gets to the point much quicker. :)

    However, your story got me to thinking about something I read earlier this week. Supposedly there is a super ant coming or either already here. This ant is supposed to be so bad that entomologists are saying it will wipe out the fire ants here in the southern parts of the country. Now I'm all for getting rid of fire ants, but if the new ant can get rid of them, then I shudder to think what else it might do.

    So in what you wrote it might turn into a reality.

    So take care and get the wheelbarrow and ant poison. ;)


  3. Mason has a great future ahead of him. :-)

  4. Ugh! That could not have been worse timing, Larry! I just came home to an ant infestation in my kitchen last night! Granted, mine were the microscopic black variety that don't bite and are easily killed, but still. Gonna have nightmares over this one. Yech!

  5. Yikes, that would freak me out. Also, Mason's story was cute. I can picture him telling the story.

  6. clearly the writing gene was passed to the next generation Larry!

    marc nash

  7. Hehe, nicely done, both of you!

  8. I've battled and been bitten by fire ants. I don't think I would take on ones that big.

    What I loved most was reading your introduction explaining that the story was co-authored by your three year old... and then the opening line, “Holy crap.”

  9. Oh that's a creepy story ^_^ get it, ants creep LOL Little ants are bad enough without them getting any bigger. We have bull ants over here they're big enough!

  10. You're teaching Mason such language!

  11. That's disgusting, lol... well done, both of you :)

  12. I can't imagine biting an insect, no matter how much adrenaline coursed through me, then yesterday I heard a report about eating insects and how they are low fat, high protein, and a sustainable and renewable food source...
    This story gave me the creeps, but Mason is a visionary.

  13. I sincerely hope Mason was dreaming, because otherwise he would really have bit an ant. And that's just disgusting and creepy.

    Your flash is creepy too! Bugs.

  14. And the moral of the story is: don't mess with Mason.

    Having lived in an apartment where ants nested in an inside kitchen door (no, I don't know how they did it either), any story about ants dying is wonderful by me.


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