“Heyyyy laaaadieeeeezzz…”
That horrid thing, again! Where is it? Second Guardian brandished her Sword of Light.
The Code, First Guardian reminded her. The people brought it in, it’s part of the household.
The creepy voice sang. “I’m just a little elf, sitting on a shelf, with three acute angles, see my legs dangle!”
This isn’t a shelf, it’s a mantle. Idiot. Then Second Guardian gasped. It’s on the mantle! Third Guardian, do you see it?
Third Guardian said nothing. But her wings, always in motion, glowed green, then shimmered left to right, pointing the way.
“I said acute angles,” said the elf, “but maybe you’re obtuse angles instead?”
If you insist on using a stupid pun, said Second Guardian, you may refer to us as right angles. She turned red. And I could cut you down from here. Don’t push your luck.
“Oh, I’m so frightened!” The elf’s tittering laugh grated in their ears. “Your boss spilled the beans on that one, I’m afraid. Besides, I’m just a decoration. With a purpose. Sort of like you, only more fun.” He leaned over to look around Third Guardian. “I certainly get to see more of the house than you guys. This elf gets around!” That grating laugh again, as he looked over Third Guardian. “Don’t you have anything to say? Cat got your tongue? I think I saw the kitty over in the manger scene.”
Third Guardian’s wings twitched, then flashed a medley of colors. She keeps her own counsel, said First Guardian. Those who know her, understand her by her wings.
“No talkee?” the elf grinned. “I like that in a woman!” He lowered his voice, becoming even more creepy than before. “Say… why don’t you and me ditch these pikers and explore the house a little? I’ve got a gift for you, you can open it once we’re alone!”
Third Guardian’s wing brushed the elf. “Hey,” he said, leaning over again, “I think she likes me! Oops.” Another brush scooted him toward the edge. “Hey, careful—whoa!” Her wings flashed yellow and red, and pushed the elf again. “You’re coming down with me, right? Yaahhh!”
The elf tumbled off the mantle, hit the screen, and bounced into the fireplace. “Whoa! Hot! Get me outta here! Yaaahhhh!”
The howls died quickly. Third Guardian, First Guardian asked in shock, did you push him off?
For the first time, Third Guardian spoke: Oops. Her wings glowed with a rosy blush.
“Honey,” the wife groaned, “I told you there wasn’t room for the elf up there! Now look!”
The husband looked at the heap of melted plastic and charred cloth in the fireplace. “Sorry. I’ll clean it up.” He moved the screen and got the scoop to scrape up the mess. “Then I’ll go get another one.”
“No.” The wife sighed. “I don’t think the kids liked it all that much. And to be honest with you, it was kind of creepy. Just listen to me when I tell you there’s not enough room next time, okay?”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “Those angels are kind of territorial, anyway.”
You always handle dialogue so well Larry and this was no exception!
ReplyDeletemarc nash
LOL That was cute and funny. I love the seriousness of the guardians up against the elf with an attitude.
ReplyDeleteHilarious piece, Larry! I find the Elf on a Shelf thing to be pretty creepy myself.
ReplyDeleteInto the waste bin the nightmares go?
ReplyDeleteI love this! That creepy elf had it coming! :)
ReplyDeleteThe whole time I read this, I pictured Will Ferrell as the elf!!
ReplyDeleteOh those elves are nearly as bad as goblins! Still the smarter they are the bigger they fall - with the help of a Guardian of course! Tee - hee
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marc! When I started taking writing seriously, dialogue was the first thing I started trying to improve.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Patricia—normally I'd root for the elf, but he did nothing but deserve what he got…
Tony, the wife tells me we're going to get one when Mason's a little older. I may have to pull a few pranks with/on it…
John, that's a good place for them, I'd say!
Glad you liked it Sonya! Thanks for the idea…
Icy, you know, I could see Will F doing this bad elf!
Helen, Third Guardian may not say much, but she's every bit as dangerous as the other two. Under the right conditions, as the elf found out… heehee!
I like these guardians! Makes me wish I had a mantelpiece.
ReplyDeleteHa!Loved this! The tone was perfect. Nasty little thing that elf is! I'll be putting my Guardians on the lookout too..
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun story. I like these guardians.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Katherine. They could always sit on a table… or a shelf.
ReplyDeleteCindy, some take no prisoners. The Guardians leave no evidence!
Thanks, Tim!
I think Third Guardian will get away with it. I mean, that elf was asking for it!
ReplyDelete